Before healing; Understanding the dynamics of a toxic relationship

If you’ve found yourself in a toxic relationship, you wouldn’t be the first to do so. Many people carry the weight of past experiences, allowing them to shape how we love and are loved. A good starting point is to explore the roots of these toxic dynamics before we learn how to heal after a toxic relationship.

Understanding the Roots of a toxic relationship

Often the pattern we see developing in our romantic lives and behaviours actually forms much earlier, particularly mirroring our dynamic with our parents or parental figures. . This pattern could also include mimicking the toxic relationship of our parents.

Our childhood forms the groundwork for the way we perceive and accept love as well as form bonds as an adult. For instance, you could have a pattern of being drawn to emotionally neglectful partners if your parents were neglectful towards you during you’re childhood. [Attachment Theory; (by John Bowlby, expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth), this states that early interactions with caregivers shape our attachment styles. Social Learning Theory; (Albert Bandura) states that children learn about love and relationships by watching their parents/parental figures, internalizing things as they grow. Psychodynamic Theory; (Sigmund Freud) argued that early relationships, (especially parents) significantly impact emotional development and future relationships as unresolved childhood conflicts manifest in adult relationship patterns. Cognitive Development Theory; (Jean Piaget) highlights that cognitive processes develop through interaction with the environment and children form schemas about relationships based on early experiences, and it shapes their understanding of love and attachment later.]

The varying types/levels of toxic relationships

In order to heal we need to understand the things that separate a healthy relationship from poor ones. And just like most things in life, the level of unhealthy behaviour in a relationship also exists on a spectrum, ranging from poor to unsalvageable. There is a lot of ground to cover on this spectrum as there is a fine line between a bad “phase’ and a relationship gone “bad” and more often than not, when that line is crossed goes unnoticed because you’re too busy dealing with your emotions or trying to “fix things”.

A poor relationship is primarily caused by incompatibility caused by factors like different value systems, beliefs, or interest. It could also be attributed to both partners not feeling things at the same depth or laziness to a certain extent. Incompatibility doesn’t automatically mean a relationship will fail but it does mean the couple more challenges to deal with. Poor relationships could be considered to have dysfunctional aspect that needs to be addressed in order for things to be working right.

But unhealthy relationships are filled with negative power dynamics, disrespect, neglect, excessive control, and abusive tendencies like gaslighting or coercion. When an unhealthy relationship reaches the point beyond return they can be considered a toxic relationship. It is exceptionally difficult for relationships to heal from the abuse and escape the shadow it casts. While it is still possible for some relationships to heal and move forward despite abuse, it requires a lot of conscious effort in order to correct the unhealthy dynamics while maintaining serious accountability, intense forgiveness and a strong commitment from both partners. The primary difference between an unhealthy relationship and a toxic relationship is that an unhealthy relationship still possesses some potential get healthy but a toxic one is beyond return.

A toxic relationship can be identified by its negative behavioural patterns of manipulation, disrespect, crossing of boundaries, and emotional/psychological harm with poor communication at the expense of one or both partners well-being and happiness of. The relationship will have a stressful and damaging atmosphere instead of a safe and nurturing one. But despite their damaging and dysfunctional nature, toxic behaviours can exist independently of abuse. Both are exceptionally harmful to the victim either way. According to several research reports being treated in an unhealthy manner does not need to reach the level of abuse (physical or otherwise) for it to do long term damage.

On the contrary, abusive relationships differ from toxic relationships as they have premeditated intention to establish control and dominate, even if harms the other, it does not matter if the harm is physical, emotional, or psychological. Even if the abuser tries to feign innocence and claims the abuse was “an accident” please remember that the intent behind their actions is rarely an accident and that one does not loose control of themselves without it either being a true exception or a peak into chaos that lies within them.

It is crucial to know that not all relationships can be salvaged and you must leave when your personal safety and well-being is compromised and that it is not wrong to do so. There is nothing wrong with putting your safety and sanity before a relationship because no relationship that exists at the cost of your sanity, happiness or well-being is worth it.

Signs of a toxic relationship; Identifying the unhealthy behaviours

Not all relationships are built the same but most if not all abusive or toxic relationships have certain behaviours that can be considered red flags which can act as markers of an abusive relationship. Recognizing these is crucial in order to break the cycle. There are signs of a toxic relationship or certain toxic behaviour in a relationship that distinguishes them from a healthy relationship.

The following are common signs of a toxic relationship :

Control; This stems from lack of consideration for the needs of their partner and their excessive need for control. They could try to make the majority of the decisions.
Dishonesty; Lying, withholding important information on purpose, manipulation information for the sake of their own benefit.
Disrespect; It is the lack of respect for their partner and their boundaries, this includes making fun of things that trigger them or crossing their boundaries despite being told not to.
Intimidation; Purposefully making their partner feel fearful, small or timid by raising their voice, exaggerating things, threatening violence or a breakup to get their way or to make their partner submit.
Physical violence; The use of physical force (hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving) to get their way or if they feel like their partner is not subduing easily to their whims.
Sexual abuse; One person may pressure or force their partner into sexual activity against their will without consent. Consent once given does not mean it is given forever, it can be taken back whenever one does not wish to give it.
Jealousy; Extreme bouts of jealousy or insecurity, even at the slightest of situations. They try to dictate who their partner spends time with and how much time they spend.
Hostility; They pick a fight with or antagonizes their partner to pick a fight in order to guilt or antagonize them into getting their way even if it upsets their partner or goes against their boundaries or wishes. This is done slowly so that their partner changes their behaviour in order to avoid upsetting them or arguments even if their unhappy.
Manipulation; These are deceptive acts that are used to control a partners feelings, thoughts, actions or plans for their own gain, even if it was at the expense of their partners well-being and autonomy.
Isolation; They control the way their partner spends their time to keep their partner away from friends, family, or other people (basically anyone close enough to potentially point out the abuse or take them away) in order to make them entirely reliant on themselves, leaving their partner incapable of leaving and to foster co-dependency.
Sabotage; Purposefully belittling things their partner values, likes or gets joy from (like their reputation, day achievements, or success) in order to control their partners self-perception. It could be as simple as going out of their way to ruin their partners good mood or day.
Coercion; The easiest way to explain this is emotionally twisting things to get their way. They use threats, aggression, or pressure to make their partner do what they want, even if goes against their partners wishes. It undermines an one’s basic sense of self, their feelings and makes them feel powerless.
Gaslighting; It is a way of messing with someone’s mind. A person is forced to question their reality, their memories, or even their mental stability by insisting things happened differently than they did to make them feel confused or anxious or very unsure of themselves. It is done on purpose to gain control or avoid responsibility.

Before embarking on your healing journey please remember that healing is possible (even if it may take some effort) and that in order to heal what has been hurt we must understand it in order to not fall back into the same patterns and cycles that hurt and traumatize us. Understanding the roots of our toxic relationship patterns to recognize unhealthy behaviours is a necessity in order to heal and develop the ability to create healthier connections. If you or anyone you know have found yourself in a toxic relationship please reach out to loved ones, please know you have various resources available online.