Is your relationship causing you emotional distress?
If you’re here reading this trying to figure out what is emotional distress that mean you could be in one of two cases; either experiencing it yourself or trying to understand what a loved one might be experiencing or going through. Either way, before we jump into things lets understand what emotional distress actually is.
It’s a state of mind in which we feel really strong if not overwhelming emotions. It could be due to situations feeling bigger than us or out of our hand. It is an exceptionally frustrating state and can cause us to feel a whole range of emotions, going from upset to enraged.
“A set of painful mental and physical symptoms that are associated with normal fluctuations of mood in most people” APA (American Psychology Association)
It can happen due to a variety of reasons like relationship problems, academic stress or major life changes/events. It tends to affect an individuals ability to think, feel, and act with complete clarity. It becomes difficult focus on everyday tasks or enjoy things that usually make you happy. Emotional distress is an intense negative emotion. It usually only occurs when the negative emotions that are being experienced are at quite a severe level.
Certain specific relationship dynamics can cause one to develop chronic stress. It could be due to being the primary caregiver, being in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship/marriage, lack of balance between your work life and your relationship, or going through a breakup/divorce.
And often times the things we do to help ease ourselves like trying to come up with a solution or discussing possible outcomes/solutions with a close friend can often lead to behaviours that hurt us like getting into a state of rumination, which does not so help with the pre-existing stress.
Rumination can lead to an excessive increase in stress levels. It is better to try and develop coping techniques that have a more healthier foundation and can help redirecting your thoughts and energy away from the cause of stress and directed more toward emotionally soothing methods or behaviours that are more focused on solving problems instead of avoidance coping.
There is also a slight gender difference in play when it comes to the tendency of experiencing emotional distress as women are more likely to experience emotional distress as a lot of studies have shown that women worry more about their family/personal lives while men tend to get more stressed out about business or their finances. Women also tend perceive psychological stress more severely than men due having higher emotional sensitivity.
Now that we have established what emotional distress is, let’s see how relationships can be the cause of emotions distress.
Ways relationships can cause emotional distress:
Infidelity
Infidelity in a relationship could be a potential cause of relationship based emotional distress. Individuals in committed, exclusive relationships can feel extremely hurt, humiliated and deceived due to their partners unfaithfulness. It can be very emotionally traumatising, causing one to potentially develop trust issues and issues with their self-worth in the form of insecurities. (A 2012 case study showed that infidelity/cheating can also increase suicidal ideation/thoughts and lead to symptoms similar to PTSD victims. Another study showed that learning of infidelity increased the chances of depressive episodes in those partner at risk for depressive conditions.) In current times and the developing complexities of people cheating does not just have to be physical to hurt some, emotional affairs/cheating are also extremely hurtful to ones sense of self and emotional well-being.
When ones relationship is falling apart or when one is experiencing the breakdown of a relationship they really cared about, it can cause a lot of turmoil in a person’s life as well as cause them to experience a lot of emotional upheaval causing emotions like helplessness, a sense of devastation, frustration, loneliness, or grief. This can lead to an overwhelming feeling of relationship distress.
It can be quite stressful if a person is having to move or leave behind their children or pets.
Abuse
A study showed a significant link between domestic violence and mental health disorders, revealing that females who experience such violence are more likely to develop major depressive disorder, while male victims of abuse tend to have a higher risk for developing anxiety. The notion that abuse isn’t all that common is false, if anything abuse is quite widespread. The most common form of abuse is the kind that can be hidden in plain sight, emotional abuse. It manifests through controlling and manipulative behaviour, intentional actions to punish or undermine their partners self-esteem, and isolating a them from their loved ones to foster co-dependency and reliance. Recognizing these dynamics is vital for effectively dealing with the mental health impacts of domestic violence or abuse. It is considered to be on the far end on the spectrum of relationship distress.
Long distance relationships
These aren’t the biggest source of relationship based emotional distress but can be a contributing factor none the less. Long-distance relationships tend to be more emotionally challenging due to the increased distance and the inability to see each other as much as you would like to. Couples tend to struggle with feelings of loneliness, insecurity, and anxiety, often worrying about each other’s fidelity and the strength of their bond. The distance makes it easier for there to be miscommunication and it makes things more difficult to resolve. The added difficulty in conflict resolution tends to increase the amount of emotional distress experienced in the relationship. Additionally, the inability to share everyday experiences together can create a sense of disconnect, leaving both partners feeling isolated and uncertain about the future of their relationship. Overall, the emotional strain of being apart can challenge even the strongest connection
Unhealthy power dynamics
Not all relationships are the same, but many abusive or unhealthy ones exhibit specific behaviours that create a toxic/unhealthy power dynamic in relationship which can lead to increased emotional distress. The signs tend to include exerting excessive control, intentionally manipulating information or lying, disrespectful behaviour, isolation, explosive jealousy and coercive actions against a partner’s will. Other signs include “sabotage” to undermine their self-esteem. Additionally, these dynamics also include manipulation tactics like gaslighting to get/retain control. These tendencies tend to increase relationship distress over time, as the more time passes the worse these tendencies get.
Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Emotionally unavailable partners are often not able to connect on a deeper level with their loved ones, which can cause one to feel neglected and lonely despite having a partner. They have a tendency to avoid being vulnerable, they shy away from discussing their feelings or future plans and it creates an emotional barrier in their prevents intimacy. This lack of openness tends to leave their partner feeling unsupported and unworthy, due to their need for emotional connection and reassurance go unmet and they may start feeling that the relationship lacks depth due to the lack of intimacy. Over time, this tends to create resentment and frustration. It leads to a sense of increased emotional distress and a breakdown of their communication and the trust within the ability of the relationship to meet their needs and can leave them feeling drained.
Emotionally Immature Partners
Emotionally immature partners are highly reactive and have a tendency to react impulsively as they often lack the skills to handle conflict or emotional challenges in a relationship. They tend to resort to childish behaviours, like sulking, throwing tantrums, or blaming others for their feelings. Their immaturity creates an emotionally unstable environment which can force their partner in a complicated position of having to take on the role of the caretaker or mediator in their relationship rather than an equal. It results in their partner feeling emotionally exhausted, frustrated, and drained due their inability to engage in mature discussions or take accountability for their actions which is extremely detrimental for the health of the relationship. This relationship dynamic usually leads to increased relationship distress.
Signs to consider that your relationship could be harmful for you;
- Getting blamed for your partners mental health difficulties/issues
- Feeling insecure or losing confidence due to their partner’s behaviour
- Not being allowed to make your own decisions (loss of control)
- Feeling unsafe or threatened (mentally, physically, verbally or sexually)
- Feeling isolated or cut off from friends and family
- Highly frequent fights, drama or aggressive tendencies
Emotional distress Symptoms relationships could cause; [physical, emotional, cognitive/mental, behavioural]
Physical Symptoms
- Change in sleeping pattern [hypersomnia or insomnia] or poor sleep quality
- Headaches/migraines
- Fatigue/exhaustion (Lack of energy)
- Stomach/gastrointestinal issues
- Muscle tension
- Unusual amount of acne
Emotional Symptoms
- Anxiety
- Emotional numbness
- Declining academic or work performance
- Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected
- Feelings of hopelessness or being overwhelmed
- Difficulty making decisions or processing information
- Unusual level of irritation/aggression
- Changes in appetite (increase or decrease in diet)
- Mood swings
- Increased rumination or worrying
Behavioural Symptoms
- Emotional Eating
- Problems with substance use
- Increased procrastination
- Social Withdrawal
Cognitive Symptoms
- Trouble concentrating/ poor attention span
- Difficulty remembering things
- Rapid thoughts or increased intrusive thoughts
Ultimately working towards healing
Before we can heal from things we have to accept them for what they are and let go of what we wish they were or what could’ve been. We can’t really heal from something we are in denial of or can’t cope with enough to understand it. It prevents us from working towards developing the ability to work through emotional distress on our own.
Many a time it’s easier to resist the reality of the situation instead of working towards healing because healing requires a lot of conscious effort and work. But what resistance tends to do is compound your stress.
But accepting things for what they are, you can actually help reduce the amount of stress you feel by decreasing the intensity of your emotions. Accepting things doesn’t mean you like them or agree with what happened or endorse/support it but it is simply processing things instead of bottling them up, only to explode later.
Resistance leads to not being able to understand what your emotions are trying to communicate, resistance is a threat to your nervous system. Recognizing and acknowledging your emotions can help your nervous system process things and comprehend your experience which can help your brain come out of fight-flight mode and allow your parasympathetic nervous system kick in.
Being emotionally overwhelmed tends to activate your inner critic and lead to negative self-talk which only worsens your emotional state, leaving you in a worse condition.
We know to be kind and compassionate to others while we tend to forget that we too need and deserve kindness and compassion, especially in our moments of despair or when we feel overwhelmed. While needing compassion is no excuse to behave poorly, being cruel to ourselves during the harsh times also doesn’t mean fix things, if anything it prevents us from seeing the hurt and figuring out a way to a better place. It prevents us from being able to deal with our emotional distress in a healthy way.
Even if you are already well versed in giving yourself grace and compassion, it does not mean your mind will be able to make the switch instantaneously. It is a habit that is to be developed over time with conscious effort and slow progress but it is worth every bit of the effort it takes. Once you start being kinder to yourself, so do the people around you and it makes the world a much more tolerable place to be. It all begins with acknowledging the little things about yourself that you normally wouldn’t (like your resilience, your patience, your kindness).
Important things to keep in mind for healing;
- Look out for New Symptoms: Don’t dismiss physical symptoms like palpitations or chest pain in the moment, especially if they are not common for you or you don’t suffer from a pre-existing condition they are a symptom of.
- Share, don’t isolate: You should consider talking to a doctor about your stressors, like caregiving or a divorce. This can help with understanding your symptoms better and figuring out the support resources you may need. If not a doctor then consider sharing things with a loved one you can trust and feel comfortable around. Or consider joining a support group.
- Look out for New Symptoms: Don’t dismiss physical symptoms like palpitations or chest pain in the moment, especially if they are not common for you or you don’t suffer from a pre-existing condition they are a symptom of.
- Share, don’t isolate: You should consider talking to a doctor about your stressors, like caregiving or a divorce. This can help with understanding your symptoms better and figuring out the support resources you may need. If not a doctor then consider sharing things with a loved one you can trust and feel comfortable around. Or consider joining a support group.
- Check Your Coping Strategies: Many people cope with stress by relaying on substance and indulging in smoking, drinking, or overeating, but it doesn’t actually help and tends to make things worse long term.
- Finding a Healthy Outlet: Certain activities are actually helpful in relieving stress (both immediately and with time) while being enjoyable, like finding a way to move your body (ie gym, yoga, running) or spending quality time with friends and family or starting a new hobby like crocheting or picking up soothing practices like meditation. Engaging in mindful practices like breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga is incredibly helpful in reducing stress.
- Prioritize Caring for yourself: Make your health (mental and physical) your main priority. Women have the tendency to think of others before themselves and put them first, but it’s important not to neglect your own health and needs. Spend time with friends or family, pursue activities that bring you joy or look into starting new or old hobbies, the ultimate goal is to finding something that recharges you and fills your cup instead of being overly concerned with filling the cup of others with your energy and what you can do to make them happy.
- Keep checking In with Yourself: It greatly helps to keep checking in with yourself by being present in the moment with your feelings and understanding things/situations/people that act like stress triggers. Journaling allows for us to introspect and acts as a great help in recognising potential trigger points or their causes.
- Set conscious, small Goals: Set goals that are attainable without jeopardizing your mental health and daily schedule.
- Correct Your Expectations: It will serve you a lot more to remember that you’re responsible for your own happiness and that you were not born to be burdened with the task of making others happy.
- Keep an open mind towards Therapy: There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to a therapist and it can actually help you address negative behaviour patterns or negative ways of thinking that could be contributing or leading to your poor mental health.